Teaching assertiveness

Right now in my parenting Noel needs help with his impulse control. I was him as a kid and my parents parenting didn't help. At least not emotionally.
I keep thinking to get him evaluated but ultimately, that won't change anything - I won't put him on medication, I've seen the therapy and I think it's a joke, and I do not want to resort to punishment or physical aggression. So what else can I do? I think that learning to work with my children will help the most. But that's hard because I seem to get emotionally triggered when my kids are acting (impo) like normal kids. Or at least very strong willed ones.
When I was a kid - what did I need? I needed more support, more encouragement, to be taught more rather than punished, I needed to be hugged a hell of a lot more, I needed to feel seen and heard. Lailah is reminding me a lot of myself when I was a kid. And although, I removed the punishment and physical harm from my parenting I haven't supplemented with much else. I need to spend more time with her teaching her things that will help her in life. Which is hard for me to do right now because Noel's behavior can sometimes wipe me out emotionally and physically. Sometimes his meltdowns can be really hard. I'm pretty sure that if I just give him what he needs too that his behavior would improve. He needs a lot of play time. But I also need time for myself too.
I need to make a schedule that can include everything I need to do. Thankfully, my kids are getting along right now and Thea's not screaming so that I can write.
My anxiety is finally coming back down but I was feeling so anxious and overwhelmed that I felt like just snapping on my kids. But I knew I didn't want to so I reached out to Tom and then I asked my sister to come over. Moe did come over for a short while which did help a little bit but she had to leave.

I think if we learn to teach kids that assertive communication is easier and more effective that they'd choose that too. But how do we do that?

Making demands. ramblings

Throughout life as a parent many people, including myself - have made demands. But I have found that demands never really work out well. Children deserve respect and in turn they will give respect back. Taking demands out of parenting would help to create a more respectful child. How? Because instead of making demands - make explanations. When they ask why, don't demand "Because I said so !" or "because I'm the parent!" - those demands will hardly get the results you actually desire and it will hold no long term benefits. Explaining "Because mommy is trying to keep you safe and this is the best way to do this or else this negative consequence can happen" or "Because it would be helpful to mommy and she would really appreciate it." Will go a much farther way. And it will hold better long term effects. It will also help your child to learn to think ahead for themselves.
Now what does any of this have to do with respect? Well by showing respect - you're TEACHING respect. Children are observant - they watch, and they mimic and with mimicking - they learn. What you put out to a child is exactly what you will get back.
If you are patient and understanding with your child - you will raise a patient and understanding child.
Your words to your child will become their inner voice for when they are older.

If you swear - you are unconsciously teaching your child to form sentences with swears. For you to demand that they don't swear - won't be helpful for them because they don't know how. They have been taught to form sentences with swears, as you do. To get angry with them will only create frustration and confusion inside of themselves. They don't understand which words they are expected to eliminate and the reason why those specific words are wrong or bad - when they hear them used frequently. They just know that it's what they know and what the natural way to talk is - because it's what they've learned and mimicked.